Finding Hope (Mail Order Bride: Brides And Promises Book 1) Read online

  Her shame was so great that she didn’t think she could stay here any longer. There was too much pain, too much torn apart between her and Thomas. Her heart belonged to him already, and she couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him every day and knowing there could never be a healing between them. Thomas had taken that away the moment he’d left, leaving her with a dark future.

  What would happen in the years that followed, if she were to stay? She would continue to cook and look after Mary, and Thomas would continue to come round to eat almost every evening. There could be an eventual friendship, but Grace knew in her heart that she would never stop loving him. She had never felt such a way before, where her very soul felt tied to his. The dreams she had allowed herself to dwell on now grew cloudy, fading into darkness. If she stayed, then she might very well have to endure Thomas marrying another and see children growing up in his home. That would be a torture she simply wouldn’t be able to bear, not when she loved him as desperately as she did.

  It was better to end things now so that Mary could find another person to live with her and keep her company. Better for them all, really. It was tearing Grace apart to consider moving back to her hometown, back to where she didn’t even have a home any longer, but she knew she couldn’t remain here. Not when Thomas was so close.

  Sighing heavily, Grace wiped away the tears from her cheeks, her mind still filled with thoughts of him. He had become so precious to her, and Grace didn’t regret paying off all his debts or buying the brand new plow. She had been happy to do so, and she was still happy that she had done it. It hadn’t mattered whether or not there would be a future for them; she had simply wanted Thomas to no longer have to carry that burden when he had so much else to do. Now he would be able to focus on his farm and be able to make it a success. Mary’s legacy would continue through Thomas, and hopefully, the land would belong to their family for a good few more generations.

  “Grace?”

  Hearing Mary calling her, Grace sniffed and blew her nose. Mary had gone out to Thomas’ cabin in the hope of talking to him. Grace had been almost frantic for her to get back, wondering what response Thomas had to what Mary had to say. Glancing at herself in the mirror, Grace wiped her face with a cloth and smoothed one hand over her hair, hoping her friend wouldn’t notice the red rings around her eyes. One step out of the door of her bedroom told her that Mary knew exactly what she’d been doing.

  “You’re not still crying over that nephew of mine, are you?” Mary said, shaking her head and handing Grace a cup of tea. “I’ve already told you not to worry. I’ll shake some sense into him the moment I see him.”

  “He wasn’t at his farm?” Grace asked, her heart beating wildly. “Where is he?”

  “Don’t you get yourself all in a twist about him now,” Mary said gently. “He’s not done anything foolish, don’t you worry. Most likely he’s gone to town. That brand new plow was sitting in his front yard.”

  “Oh.” Her entire body buzzed with questions, wondering what he’d thought of the plow. Would he be happy with it? Would he be angry with her for spending her money on him? Grace had to hope that he wouldn’t think it was her way of trying to get him to forgive her.

  “He’ll be by for dinner, I’m quite sure of it,” Mary continued softly. “And I’ll be right here to talk to him before he ever gets to see you, don’t you fret.”

  Grace shook her head and gave her friend a watery smile. “I don’t think I’ll be around for him to see me, Mary.”

  Mary frowned, her expression growing concerned. “What do you mean? Don’t you want to see him?”

  Feeling hot tears prick at the corner of her eyes, Grace shook her head. “It’s not that, Mary. I don’t want you to think that I’m not grateful for all that you’ve given me, but I think it’s time to move on.”

  Mary’s mouth fell open and she stared wide-eyed at Grace.

  “Thomas made things quite clear last night,” Grace continued, her voice breaking with emotion. “And I can’t stay here when I love him so very much, knowing that nothing’s going to happen between us.”

  “Oh, Grace,” Mary whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “Thomas didn’t know what he was saying. He was angry and upset, and that’s got nothing to do with your actions. Sooner or later, he’ll realize what an idiot he’s been and will come here begging for you to forgive him.”

  Shaking her head, Grace let the tears fall, feeling them land on her lap. “No, I don’t think so, Mary. He was very clear. After what we’ve shared so far, I can’t bear to see him again. I let myself hope, you see.” She looked up at Mary, seeing the tears shimmering in her eyes. “I thought that Thomas saw past my plain face and saw me as I really am, but it turns out he had me on some kind of pedestal. When I fell, he wasn’t able to see me in the same way any longer. That’s not something that can be repaired.”

  “That’s his own mistake,” Mary insisted, setting her cup of tea on the table and reaching forward to take Grace’s hands. “You can’t leave me, Grace. Not now. Not when I’ve come to rely on you so much.”

  Grace swallowed, the pain in her heart growing so strong she felt as though she could hardly bear it. “I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about you, Mary, because I do. I really do. You’re family to me, and I love you dearly, but I can’t stay here and see Thomas get on with his life when I’m no longer a part of it.”

  Mary opened her mouth to say something, but Grace shook her head, her mind already clearly made up. “I know you want me to stay, and believe me, I want to stay too, but I just know I can’t. It would be too painful. Thomas deserves to have a happy home to come to each evening, and I’m not sure I can give him that, not even as his friend.” She wiped her eyes, giving Mary a watery smile. “I don’t think the love I have for him will ever fade, no matter how many years I stay here.”

  Mary pressed her lips together for a long moment, pain shining in her eyes. Grace held her hands tightly, aware that she was losing yet another dear friend, but this time, it was of her own choosing.

  “I don’t want to stop you, but won’t you let me speak to Thomas first, before you go?”

  “I can’t,” Grace whispered, the thought of seeing him again making her wince in mortification. “Oh, Mary, I can’t. Don’t ask me to.”

  “I’ll just talk to him; I won’t bring him here,” Mary promised, her hands tightening on Grace’s. “If there’s a chance that things can be fixed between you, don’t you want to know about it before you go?”

  Grace bit her lip, her mind filled with confusion. To her mind, there was very little chance of having any kind of reconciliation between herself and Thomas, especially when he had been so angry with her. However, was it worth allowing Mary to talk to him at least?

  “I have to go and find out when the next train is,” she eventually said. “If you’ve managed to talk to him by then, then I’ll wait to hear what he has to say.”

  Mary flung her arms around Grace’s neck, crying and smiling at the same time. “I’ll get right on out to him this very minute,” she cried, her hands framing Grace’s face. “Don’t you move now. I’ll not be too long.”

  Grace hardly knew what to say, as Mary hurried up from her chair, rushing out of the house almost at once, only stopping to throw on her shawl around her shoulders. Grace sat quietly in her chair, as the sounds of the buggy leaving the yard came through the still open door, the warm wind wrapping around her like a comforting embrace.

  The warmth did not touch her heart however. She still felt cold and entirely alone. What good could Mary do? Perhaps it was best simply to disappear, like the leaves that fell from the trees and blew away to another place.

  But you promised to stay here, to wait until she got back.

  Grace shook her head to herself. Setting her tea cup aside, she walked through to her room and continued to pack her things. Mary would understand. When she came back here with nothing but sadness in her eyes, without Thomas by her side, she’d understand why Gr
ace had left. In a way, this was easier. It was easier to simply leave without having to say a proper goodbye, without having to have her heart break into pieces all over again.

  Tears dripped onto the rest of her clothes, as Grace finished putting the last of her things into her bag. She didn’t want to have to start again, didn’t want to have to uproot herself and begin life all over in another place, but there was nothing else for it. There was no home for her to go back to, but at least she had enough money to rent a place for a while. She’d just get whatever train came next. Maybe she’d never actually go back to her hometown. Maybe she’d just stop off at a town along the way and try her luck there. Somewhere, someone was going to need either a cook or a seamstress. She could do both. Maybe even someone would want a wife—although without any kind of love or fondness forming between them. That would suit her quite well.

  Grace gave a sad smile as she drew on her bonnet, knowing in her heart that she would never love another man again. Thomas had been the first man to look past the plainness of her face and see her character underneath. He had been the first man to show her compassion and sympathy, the first man to love her for who she was, even if he had thought of her as practically without fault. He had been the first man to kiss her, the first man to hold her as though he might never let her go. The first man to bring her love and joy and happiness all rolled into one.

  Closing her eyes tightly, Grace fought against another wave of tears, swallowing the ache in her throat until, finally, they began to ebb away. Opening her eyes, she saw the photograph on the bed, the photograph that had caused her so much distress. Taking it through the house, she set it down on the kitchen table, writing, “Sorry,” at the very bottom of it. Her apology was both to Mary and to Thomas, apologizing for causing them pain and for leaving them without another word.

  Looking all around the house she had come to think of as her home, Grace picked up her bags and made her way outside into the stables. There wasn’t all that much to carry, and she managed to settle her luggage easily on the back of the wagon. She just had to hope that there would be some kind soul willing to take the horse and wagon back to Mary’s.

  Hitching up the horse, Grace tried not to allow her grief to overwhelm her. She had to leave now before Mary returned. Getting up onto the seat, she grasped the reins and clicked to the horse, refusing to allow herself even the smallest look back at the house. This part of her life was over. It had to be over. She would look back on her time here with both happiness and regret, her heart forever full of the only man she had ever loved.

  Thomas.

  16

  “Thomas!”

  Thomas winced, as Aunt Mary’s sharp tone caught him right across the face. “Yes, Aunt Mary?”

  She glared at him, storming towards him with anger in her eyes. “Whatever did you do to Grace?”

  He closed his eyes briefly. “I know, Aunt.”

  “You cared for her, didn’t you? I saw that love growing between you, and now you’ve gone and ruined the whole thing!”

  Thomas drew in a long breath, sinking down into a seat by the fire. “Yes, I did. I do, I mean.”

  Aunt Mary frowned, her voice lowering a little. “You do, what?”

  “Love her,” Thomas replied, his voice shaking as he admitted it out loud. “I know that I made a mistake, Aunt Mary. I should never have said those things to Grace.”

  He paused, wincing inwardly as he waited for Aunt Mary’s sharp words to begin to pelt at him like small, sharp stones, but much to his surprise, she let out a long breath of relief and flopped down into the chair opposite him.

  “I’m very glad to hear it!” she exclaimed, beaming at him. “I thought I was going to have to drag you back over to my house! It’s the only thing that’s going to get her to stay you know.”

  A surge of fear raced up Thomas’ spine, making him sit bolt upright. “What are you talking about?”

  “Grace,” Aunt Mary replied, waving a hand. “She’s making noises about going back home, or to some other town. I managed to get her to stay, but only because I said I was coming over here right now to get you to talk to me about what happened. She was worried about you coming over for dinner.”

  Thomas swallowed, worry nagging at his mind. “I was planning to come and speak to her then,” he muttered, passing a hand over his eyes. “I just needed some time to work out what to say.” He looked up at his aunt who was studying him with an inscrutable expression. “She was going to leave because of me?”

  Mary’s expression softened. “Of course, it’s because of you, Thomas. That girl loves you with all her heart, and what you said to her last night, whatever it was, it has fairly torn her apart.”

  A rush of guilt washed over Thomas, forcing him to hang his head. “I don’t deserve that woman. She was right to tell me it had nothing to do with me, but I just couldn’t let it go. I had this view of her that she was without fault, as though she was some kind of angel—”

  “And then George Stubbs shattered that—and you lost your mind,” Mary interrupted, lifting one eyebrow. “Tell me you’ve regained your senses, Thomas.”

  He nodded fervently. “Of course, I have. When I went into town after seeing that plow, I found out what she’d done for me.”

  Aunt Mary gave him a wide smile, her eyes warm. “And you owe me nothing too now, Thomas. Grace paid off your debt.”

  His mouth fell open, his hands clutching the arms of his chair in disbelief.

  “You’re right to say you don’t deserve her,” Mary said, shaking her head. “After all you said to her, she’s got every right to go back and cancel each of those payments, but I know she won’t. She told me that no matter what happened between the two of you, she wanted to do this so that you’d make your farm a success. I don’t know how much she’s got left, but I can guess it ain’t very much.” Tilting her head, she gave Thomas a firm look. “That girl’s given up almost everything to make you happy, Thomas.”

  A sudden urgency crept over him, and he threw himself to his feet, catching Aunt Mary’s hand. “Did you come in the wagon?”

  “Yes,” she gasped, as he pulled her towards the door. “Why?”

  “I need to see her. I need to apologize. Now.”

  Aunt Mary chuckled, as she was practically thrown up into the seat. “Well, thank goodness. The sooner you two sort things out, the happier I’ll be. I want some grand nieces and nephews.”

  Thomas rolled his eyes, although he couldn’t stop the smile from creeping over his face. The thought was a happy one, although he first had to hope that Grace would find it in her heart to forgive him.

  * * *

  “Grace?”

  Thomas stepped in after Aunt Mary, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He looked all about for her, his mouth going dry at the thought of seeing her again.

  “Grace!” Mary shouted, her eyes widening as she glanced up at Thomas. Worry clutched at his heart as she opened the door to Grace’s room, only to stop short, her hand going to her mouth.

  “What is it?”

  “She’s gone,” Mary whispered, looking up at him with a horror-struck expression. “Oh, goodness.”

  Thomas felt frozen in place, his eyes roving over the small house as his mind fought for clarity. He didn’t want to lose her, not now, not when there was so much left unsaid.

  “There!” Mary exclaimed, hurrying towards the kitchen table. “Oh, Thomas, she left the photograph.”

  His numb fingers took it from her grasp, seeing the single word written at the bottom.

  “Sorry,” he whispered, his eyes taking in the figure of the painted and padded Grace. She’d tried so hard to be what a man would want, desperate to leave her life of loneliness behind. How could he not have shown her some compassion, especially when he was well aware that men like George Stubbs existed?

  “I have to go after her,” he said, striding over to the fire and throwing the photograph inside. “Where did she go?”

  “The station, b
ut I don’t know when the next train is,” Mary replied, almost frantic with worry. “By the time you get there, she could have already gone!”

  “I have to try,” Thomas cried, practically sprinting towards the door as he hurried outside. Unhitching the horse from the buggy, he jumped onto its bare back and grasped the reins, relieved that the horse’s bridle was still in place.

  The horse shook its mane impatiently, clearly tired from the two journeys it had already done, pulling the buggy to Aunt Mary’s and back again. Wanting to scream with frustration, Thomas threw himself down and led the horse into the stables, closing it safely into its stall.

  He had to take the only other horse his aunt had, an old shuffling carthorse that spent most of its days lazing around in the sunshine. It was very rarely ridden, but Aunt Mary had refused to get rid of it, claiming that it had worked hard and was now allowed to spend the rest of its days in peace.

  “Come on, old boy,” Thomas murmured, leading the old carthorse out of its stall. It snuffled impatiently but allowed Thomas to set a saddle on its back and even whinnied when he swung his leg into the seat. Thomas urged it on, but it barely went faster than a trot, no matter how hard he urged it on.

  The journey seemed to take hours, and Thomas hung his head, leaning it on the horse’s mane as they continued to make their way towards town. What had he done? He had chased Grace away by being utterly thoughtless, and now, if the train had already left, he might never see her again. He would be without the woman he loved for the rest of his days, regret filling his every waking moment. If only she had waited! If only he had hurried over the moment he’d returned home, instead of waiting until near dinnertime!

  “Come on, come on,” he urged, pressing his heels hard into the old horse’s sides, although the animal did not increase its pace in the least. “I have to get there. I have to see her.”

  The station was nearly empty by the time Thomas arrived—and a train was sitting in the station. Steam poured from it, making Thomas’ stomach clench with nerves. Was it about to go? Would he be able to find her in time?